Creating Peace within Yourself: Jayme Katis
Welcome to the More Than The Score blog, I figured to kick things off I would do a solo blog to set the tone for the experiences, people, reflections and stories shared through this platform.
In the winter of 2018, after hitting what I thought was rock bottom: unfulfilled career, depression from living in Manhattan alone, severe body dysmorphia and drinking gin alone in my apartment to numb my pain - I used my spare time to work to create a mentorship platform to help other former female athletes struggling with life after sport. At the time, I thought the Manhattan chapter was rock bottom; however the cycles kept repeating themselves until I decided no more recently in 2022.
I figured that if I was crying in my car on lunch breaks or emotionally reacting so hard that I wanted to throw up - maybe there were other females who had hit these rough patches and made it through. This emotional dysregulation can only be solved through healthy support, personal responsibility and community. I know now it was not all about swimming; but addressing the loss of sport allowed me to look deeper.
For More Than The Score I wanted the raw stories, the fall from grace and rise from the ashes type stories. Our athletic careers drove external validation and created hard working skills - however I knew it wasn’t all rainbows. More Than The Score is the platform where these stories are demystified and not covered up. These experiences and stories are all so unique with an athletic lens. The ability to reflect on one’s own experience is probably the greatest gift we can give ourselves. More Than The Score allows my own journey to be less isolating as I am surrounded by a community of growing women. We can celebrate all aspects of this journey.
In the vein of fresh starts and authenticity; I thought that I would share my story with this budding community. The time with actionable awareness and dedication to continual growth.
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I’ve been on my healing journey since 2017. The loss of the bandaid of sport gifted me the opportunity to discover my repressed traumas. Swimming provided an outlet to escape a large abandonment wound. When I was in the water, my brain shut off. It washed away the moments of my past that I did not want to experience again.
Swimming kept me on a straight and narrow pathway which landed me to swim D1 at Virginia Tech. I never really had time or energy with the demanding athlete lifestyle to even think about the letters my father sent to my coaches offices or the fact that he never showed up again in my life. I kept my head down, trained hard and swam to stay dedicated to something. The dreams of ACC accolades served as a great distraction to the pain I had not yet actualized.
Despite having access to a sports psychologist, I was weary of therapy at the time and didn’t really want to know myself out of athletics. I didn’t even want to go deep. I noticed that even during my swim career; I struggled to tap into my authentic self and started focusing on what other people wanted of me or how I was perceived.
Shortly after my swimming career ended; I replaced swimming with career success and big flashy cities. I fell in love with climbing the corporate ladder - yet again finding a distraction to the trauma that I deeply hid. I would make sure that I could provide for myself and achieve a respected business achievement at a young age.
Funny how these distractions catch up with us. The distractions that I created never stopped the patterning and trauma responses from reappearing. I chased all things outside of myself: career success, boys that didn’t care to really invest in getting to know me, money, cities, forced friendships and the image I thought everyone else wanted. I tried changing my body, rebelling and shapeshifting. No one would have noticed as I kept everything together (career, finances, fake happiness on social media). The ones that noticed these unhealthy ways were the people I played out my traumas with. I learned that it never had anything to do with the other person; I had to heal myself and grow.
I had limited healthy outlets and focused on partying, traveling for work, changing my body for approval and instant gratification even if it meant disregarding my own feelings. My common patterns were copycatting; being inauthentic, running away, disassociating from healthy support and putting a large amount of blame on myself FOR EVERYTHING. Rather than acceptance; I was a billboard for self sabotage. I lied to myself and allowed my chapter to be spent mostly in my head overthinking and stressed out. I thought life was just like this and I had to power through.
This journey back to myself that started in 2017 has finally started to make sense. Although I departed from an athletic career, the patterning and tactics that I developed to keep myself safe still play out. Sitting here, now 5 years later I have made a commitment to address these and inspire others to do the same.
College athletics was an incredible gift however it covered up a lot of pain and served as a numbing agent. Similar to the alcohol I picked up or the cities that I ran to or the men I begged to love me - they all yielded the same outcome. They kept me from being myself and accepting it.
After consulting a boundary coach and finding a therapist that met my needs - I started to learn more about these patterns. In reality; the greatest adventure that I needed to embark upon was to re-meet myself, take care of my body, develop healthy coping strategies and work through my emotional sensitivities alone. Through the help of a licensed therapist, I started to learn more about my own mental health diagnosis and the ways in which trauma starts to leave the body if unattended to. The diagnosis started to tie a lot of the unsurmountable pain in my life that came with the patterning I experienced.
This dedication is a daily practice. One practice that was not to be found in the pool at 5am. With that being said there is far more relief in knowing what to heal and exploring support to do it.
Sure, I do have regrets of the times and relationships I cultivated prior to doing the harder work. I can only hope that by dedicating to a daily practice, the connections of my past that I’ve lost serve as the fuel to create change. In a reflection recently; I heard that on the other side of grief is always praise. Praise for the lives we had and the ways we may have struggled without being equipped with the tools to create self-change.
In a large way being honest about my own struggles and cleaning up aspects of my life through building healthier relationships, coping strategies and self acceptance: I can slowly level up in the video game of life. We are not perfect. I believe the strongest form of self love is admitting when you need help. My goal for this platform whether it be podcasting, blog or our Instagram stories is to allow women to share their story and know they are not alone. We all provide such beautiful vantage points to the blessing of athletics and our recovery outside of it.
There is an amazing life to be found. With the right support, you can heal and grow. My life looks drastically different than a few years ago; even a few months ago. I celebrate every moment that I am in acceptance and see myself progress forward.
Some things that have helped me on my journey to healing:
More Than The Score Community
Journaling
Prayer/Meditation
Painting and dancing around my kitchen when I find a good TikTok beat
Relearning hobbies and interest I used to love like movies, fashion, Sailor Moon & Animal Crossing
Reading & working through therapy modalities: anxiety, BPD, Co-Dependency, attachment, DBT, ACT, mindfulness
Therapy!!
Starting to be authentic in dating and relationships
Allowing my body to rest, sleep, daily movement and nutrition - doing NOTHING!
Grounding in Nature
Low alcohol consumption
Taking responsibility for my triggers and when I am dysregulated emotionally
Letting go of the things I can’t control
This is just a short list of the avenues that have helped in healing and regulating myself. I will never be perfect however life gives us chances to start new and make peace with who we used to be. The true glow up is accepting yourself for the past, present and future versions of yourself. To own your own story and to live a life that you continually fight for.
Heal at your own pace; for me it’s taken a day by day mentality for the past five years.
You got this.
More Than The Score is here for you!
All the love,
Jayme